Schooling Our Kids

We were created in God’s image, created to be like Him and to reflect Him to others. Despite the fall, we still are called to be like Him and to reflect Him to others. It is the natural outworking of the gospel and all that Christ has reclaimed for us through the cross.

Eph. 4:32 – 5: 2 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us ….

The Bible gives some instructions specific to parents. Too often, we only think of Christian parenting using the language of those few verses. There are virtually no verses on being a good Christian sister, yet I feel well informed on how to love my sister because there is a larger context to Scripture. Whether it’s loving my sister or parenting my children, I am called to be an imitator of God who walks in love as Christ has loved us.

It is in that context, Christian parents as imitators of God or parenting our children the way God parents His, that I bring up the issue of schooling. Occasionally, I get asked my views and advice on the different educational options available to Christian parents. I must offer this disclaimer – my boys are FOUR and SIX! That means that while I do have 4 years of schooling under my belt, it was preschool and kindergarten. Though they have presented their fair share of emotional situations, I know good and well I have MUCH to learn. However, despite my lack of hard experience on the issue with my own kids, I still feel fairly confident in my core conviction on the issue of the education of our children (under the overarching principle of parenting my children the way God parents His).

Here is my core conviction. BE INVOLVED!

Between my husband and myself, we have attended homeschool, Christian school, and private secular school. I note that we have chosen for our children the only option we didn’t experience ourselves – public school. I think that is telling. If I’m not careful, it can just be reactionary. We’re not going to protect our children from the social pressures we faced in public school by sending them to Christian school. Nor are we going to protect them from the hypocritical Christians we met in Christian school by sending them to public school. You know what protects our children from the social pressures in public school and the hypocrites in Christian school? Parents who have a relationship with their kids who know what is going on in their kids’ schools and their kids’ lives.

Homeschooling can be a great way to be involved in our kids’ education and lives. Or it can be an isolating experience. It’s not the panacea either. And for the parent who is not gifted in educating children who does it out of guilt, it’s devastating for everyone involved.

Our family first chose a secular cooperative preschool in our neighborhood. When you sign on for a co-op, you sign up as a parent to be involved. It’s core to the entire philosophy. I was at a point mentally where I would have LOVED to drop off my oldest and walk away from the building. But I also knew that was my nature and that I needed the accountability to stay committed to my core philosophy of being involved. The result is that after 4 years with 2 kids there, I know my boys’ teachers, their friends, and their parents VERY WELL. I have remained the first discipler of my children even in their secular classroom setting.

Then, we chose our neighborhood elementary school, which is a 5 minute walk up the hill from our house. We chose this because of my core conviction of being involved. It helps that it is a classic elementary school that looks and feels like the ideal you hope for your children. However, because my 4 year old was still at the co-op preschool, I made a mental choice that I couldn’t yet be involved at the 6 year old’s elementary school. Next year, when they were both at the same school, I’d be able to be involved at the elementary school.

It’s funny how quickly my fundamental convictions were overwhelmed by my circumstances. Kindergarten in the public school started off reasonably well. But in January, things started falling apart. My son was having problems getting going in the morning. He was getting in just late enough in the mornings (my fault) to be behind with assignments the rest of the day (and don’t get me started on the ridiculous expectations of kindergartners in the Seattle public school system). But the final straw was that I got called twice in one week because another kid in my son’s class hit him. The kid is a classic bully, and my son is no shrinking wallflower. So the conflicts kept escalating, with my son ending up holding the icepack to his head or arm at the end.

Should I take him out of school?! Go half day? Try homeschooling (heart palpitations and sweat breaking out as I even consider it)? I set up a teacher/principal conference, but we all got sick and had to cancel. When we got well, I decided to walk my oldest to school and stay (with the 4 year old in tow) until I could figure out a better alternative. That was a few weeks ago. Now, most mornings of the week, the little one and I stay for 30 or 45 minutes, or however long I can. My oldest is notoriously slow and easily distracted. So I make sure he gets his stuff in his locker, seated in his class, and started on his first assignment in a reasonable amount of time.

I also made sure I talked to the bully. “Why did you hit my son?! You are a bad boy and you better stop it now!” Just kidding. I know that bullies tend to be bullied elsewhere in their lives. I’ve tried to have compassion on the kid and help him at school. It wasn’t much, mostly just saying hi to him and helping him in subtle ways when it made sense. A few days later, I asked my son as he came out of school if the bully had bothered him. “No, he’s my best friend now.” Huh?! I questioned him up, but sure enough, the bully decided he liked my son and now they are fast friends.

Wow. That was easy. 2 weeks of minor involvement in my son’s class pretty much resolved the crisis. Now this is just kindergarten level crises. I know I haven’t seen anything yet. But it reinforced my core conviction. I can’t give over my sons’ education to someone else, whatever choice I make for their education. I can’t let my circumstances distract me from this core principle. I want to know their teachers and know their friends. And if I can know their friends’ parents, that’s even better. My sister who is a single, working mom has had to go at this from a different angle due to her work schedule. Yet she believes it too. She is involved, aware, and responsive, though it looks very different for her than it does for me.

I have other preferences about my children’s education. I do want to raise them in their culture. I want to protect them from, say, gang violence, but I don’t want to protect them from the general secular nature of their culture. Instead, I want to teach them how the love of God and the gospel equip us to love our community. We are not against the bully. We are FOR him. We don’t want him destroyed. We want him saved from whatever it is in him and his circumstances that causes him to act in such a way. Thankfully, in our very secular Seattle culture, God has given me and my boys good Christian friends at both our hippie preschool and our public elementary school.

Most of all, it is me, the parent, who is called to nurture/disciple/instruct my children. For me, the biggest temptation of all is to be lazy and ignore things until it gets so bad I have to do something. God has called me to be proactive, not reactive. He’s called me to disciple my children, and discipling them as they navigate secular society is one of the most important pieces of that.

Finally, this is my personal application of general Bible principle. Please don’t be constrained by my application. Feel free to be constrained by the general principle of proactive discipling of our children (knowing, loving, and nurturing/teaching our children as God parents us), but let the gospel and your own personal access to God give you confidence in how you apply it in your own life. The last thing I want is someone feeling guilty because they don’t volunteer in the mornings at their kid’s elementary school.

I spent the evening with two of my closest friends in town last week. We talked about the issues all of our kids were facing—social pressures, educational struggles, and their faith. It wasn’t until later when I was contemplating this article that I noted that one home schooled, another had her kids in Christian school, and my son was at public school. Despite our differing choices for our kids’ education, we share the same spiritual burden—to know our kids, to love our kids, and to direct them to Christ and the gospel. Each of us reevaluate our choices in light of our call to disciple them. In fact, one is switching from one form to another next year because, while it worked for a time for her child, something has changed. She knows this because she has a responsive relationship with her child and because she’s aware of her child’s friends and social situation.

So my advice on schooling your kids? Don’t get sucked into a single mentality that causes you to ignore the needs in your kids’ hearts (or in your community). Love your kids as Christ loves you. Be responsive to their needs as God responds to yours. Disciple them the way Christ modeled. Pray for wisdom, and then get up and do as God convicts you.

Psalm 94:12  Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,

Proverbs 29:17  Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

13 Responses to Schooling Our Kids

  1. NLD April 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

    This is so good Wendy. I am a former public school teacher. and if only EVERY parent would be involved we would see such a difference in our school systems.I stay home now with my 3,4, and 5 year old. We have school right around the corner. This is SO good. I agree with you 10 fold. We saw our son on the soccer field the other day being bullied and mama bear came out fast…then a few minutes later I heard the bully's father yell at him and be little him in front of his team….I looked at my husband and said “well there you go” Bless you for your blog!

  2. Sarah Guild April 4, 2011 at 11:34 pm #

    The most encouraging blog post I've read here, and there have been a lot of good ones. I am tempted to fly to Seattle, meet you in person and hug you for this post.

  3. Wendy April 4, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

    Wow, Sarah. Thanks. Virtual hugs accepted, and here's one back at you. ((((hug))))

  4. April April 5, 2011 at 12:47 am #

    Great perspective. I don't have kids yet, but when I do I am just not sure what to do. I think it also depends on the education system where you live. My husband and I went to public school and we turned out fine. My sister homeschools and her kids are social and well-adjusted. I do like what you said about teaching them to engage the culture. I think even if I chose to homeschool, I would have my kids involved in the secular community somehow.

  5. vufemull April 5, 2011 at 10:50 pm #

    Plain and simple! I like your work!

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  6. Heidi April 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm #

    Thanks for posting this. These are some of the same reasons we chose to enroll our kids in the public school (though the schools where we live are in a tumultous mess at the present time). I am looking forward to meeting you and hearing you in person at the Conference at the end of the month.

  7. Merry H April 7, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

    I love you!!! This is the first blog I have read of yours but I LOVE YOU!!!

  8. piwibrim April 15, 2011 at 8:32 am #

    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

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  9. Jodi M April 17, 2011 at 12:17 am #

    My husband and I are talking about this topic seeing as our 3 year old daughter will soon be heading to some sort of educational experience. We were just reading through The Case for Classical Education by Douglas Wilson. Have you read it? It's an older book, but I think he does a pretty good job of thinking through the calling we have as parents in regards to the education of our children.

  10. Annie Reynolds April 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    I realize I'm adding my 2 cents a bit late of date here, but… will send my thoughts out into cyber-space anyway, jic. I was disappointed that you didn't get any comments from moms of older kids. Mine are 21, 18 and 11. We have done combinations of public school and homeschool. In the the early years I was able to be very involved in the public school scene but the middle school years brought an abrupt end to that and by high school, well, at least here in New England you can forget about that altogether. I think if you want to continue down the public school path you will have to focus on real relationship with your kids – know their hearts. That will be easier with some kids more than others. You also need to remember that they will need to individuate from you and figure this stuff out for themselves (God has no grandchildren, right?)
    The NORM (meaning most kids not some) at public HS is porn, sexting and partying. How will you protect your son's minds from the constant barrage of images he takes in just from the way the girls dress (let alone speak and interact with him?) Then you will have to deal with what they want to teach; evolution is an obvious issue but only the tip of the iceberg. You will mostly have no idea what is being taught to your children by teachers or their peers. I was banking on the fact that I had laid a good foundation but now I am the tormented parent of a prodigal. I do battle daily with my theology; how much of this is my fault and what is just sovereignty of God? Someday I hope to get the answer to that when I meet Him. My eleven year old will be homeschooled through 12th grade and it will be a hard sanctifying work for us both. We need the time to work out our salvation, in fear and trembling, for it is God who works in us to will and to do.
    All that said, I do appreciate your work for the Kingdom Wendy. Please keep it up.

  11. Joel Stapley May 8, 2011 at 7:51 am #

    In response to the comments by the last entry who added her two cents in late in the debate (her words not mine). The issues our kids encounter in public school (ie: inappropriate images and clothing, evolution, etc) can't be avoided by other forms of education (ie: homeschooling, Christian schools). This issues exist in society. So unless you plan on moving to the forrest and never encountering humans on any level you can't avoid these issues. Thus I would feel it inaccurate to blame oneself for allowing my kid exposure to these issues. They are exposed to these issues simply be being alive. Our job as parents isn't to protect them from the world but to show them how to live within it for the glory of God.

  12. ohhowhappy June 3, 2011 at 2:36 am #

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We homeschool, but have strong beliefs that we musn't raise our kids in a “spiritual hothouse” where they have no strength to live in this world. However we (all) choose to educate our children, it should be with the grace of God's calling.

    Oh, and enjoying “finding” this space:)

  13. Karon June 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm #

    I know this is an older post, but I just read it today and wanted to share how much it encouraged me. My 5-year-old son, our only child, is going to kindergarten in the fall, and I have been struggling with my part being “done”, and mourning that. I am encouraged by your words to embrace the role I can have in his school and still in his life on a day-to-day basis. Thank you!