I made a mistake. At least it feels like a mistake. A really big one. That affects me for at least the next year in many, many ways. I thought I had analyzed everything well. I wrestled through which option was best. I should have prayed about it more. I prayed about it some. But I didn’t stop everything and pray really hard. I made my choice based on what I thought was best for our family. And now a few months later, it is glaringly obvious that the other choice would have been much, much easier on me. The choice I made is bringing daily stress. And when Mom is stressed, it’s very hard not to project it onto the rest of my family.
So I sit here in my rocking chair wrestling with how to think about it. With each new annoying consequence of my choice, I kick myself again. Why did I DO that? Stupid, naïve me! It wasn’t a sinful choice. It wasn’t a foolish choice. But now it seems to me to have very much been the wrong choice.
But God is sovereign even over my choices. He could have protected me from making this mistake. He does it all the time in fact. I can’t count how many times He’s protected me from doing something stupid, protecting me from my own ignorance. But He didn’t do it this time. Maybe He’s protecting me by allowing this mistake. Maybe He has a plan in this mistake. I think of Gandalf’s famous rebuke of Frodo in the Fellowship of the Rings.
Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. I have not much hope that Gollum can be cured before he dies, but there is a chance of it. And he is bound up with the fate of the Ring. My heart tells me that he has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before the end; and when that comes, the pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many – yours not least.
As Gandalf told Frodo, my heart tells me too that my “mistake” may have some Kingdom role to play in my heart and my children’s heart this year. Sure–I could have prayed about it harder. Sure—I could have done more research and not assumed I knew as much as I did. But in the end, the gospel frees me from kicking myself every time a new consequence arises. And the character of my God gives me hope that even mistakes can be used by Him for Him—for my good and His glory.
Proverbs 16:9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
